the power of just listening
Aug 19, 2019
You know the verse in the Dhammapada? The really famous opening verse about the wagon wheel following the hoof of the ox? It puts me in mind of how my mouth follows my mind. How my mouth fills in the space that could be more suitably used for listening. Upon being given the opportunity to listen I tend to default to interruptive fillers such as ‘I know’, ‘for sure’, ‘absolutely’, ‘that happened to me too’, ‘don’t you find that…?’. And on, and on. Blah, blah, etc. I could have patented the expression ‘can’t get a word in edge-wise’. My listening skills are an act of subterfuge. Sabotage masquerading as empathy.
So I thought: why not do something like a podcast? That’ll make me shut up a bit. Actually listen. Also, it’s an opportunity to seek out those people who can help me in this quest for a mindful life. Actually find the people who are practitioners, teachers, influencers. Then I came across this advice, from Rachel Naomi Remen’s Kitchen Table Wisdom, appropriately entitled: Just Listen.
I SUSPECT THAT the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And especially if it’s given from the heart. When people are talking, there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it. Most of us don’t value ourselves or our love enough to know this. It has taken me a long time to believe in the power of simply saying, “I’m so sorry,” when someone is in pain. And meaning it. One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story people often interrupted to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely. We connect through listening. When we interrupt what someone is saying to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. When we listen, they know we care. Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen. I have even learned to respond to someone crying by just listening. In the old days I used to reach for the tissues, until I realized that passing a person a tissue may be just another way to shut them down, to take them out of their experience of sadness and grief. Now I just listen. When they have cried all they need to cry, they find me there with them. This simple thing has not been that easy to learn. It certainly went against everything I had been taught since I was very young. I thought people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
So the podcast is an opportunity to reconnect with the power of silence. I hope you’ll find something for yourself from the words that are shared here. Here's the ones gathered so far.
1. Your Mindful Life podcast with Helen Marsh
2. Your Mindful Life Podcast with Sarah Silverton
3. Your Mindful Life Podcast with Mike Elliot